Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
