this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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