He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
