Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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