you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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