wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
