how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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