I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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