sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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