defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
