Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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