I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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