fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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