My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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