I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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