how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
