Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
