I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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