i just wanna soil my oats bro
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
