You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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