I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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