I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
