My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
