My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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