She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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