My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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