Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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