She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
