Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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