i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
