I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
