my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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