I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
