she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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