I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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