Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
