She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
