Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
