if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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