Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
