just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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