there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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