I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
