I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
