dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
