Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
