Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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