he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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