Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
