I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
