I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
