I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
