It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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