If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
