sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
